Me. Yesterday.
Exercise, to my mind, is chain-smoking and driving cars without power steering. My body’s like a sagging Mom’s Taxi station wagon that drives my brain to school. I have a grumpy entente with my man tits, but when the prospect of sex is akin to a dying beached whale desultorily dry humping the sand as it gasps its last, the idea of gym trills loud and insistent as an alarm clock in cake tin.
Reebok Idi Amin
So there I was, in spandex pants tight as sausage casings, with an old, stained varsity t-shirt, feeling awkward as I used to sitting out PE with the fat wheezy kids with a note from matron. The personal trainer looked at me the way a mechanic usually does at my car, with a low whistle, and a rubbing of hands. Fat, sausage like hands, as my personal trainer looks like Idi Amin in a Reebook tracksuit, with a bone-deep, colonialist-long resentment of the white race.
de Sade Hamster Wheel
“So,’ he said after some withering, silent appraisal, “Do you want more strength, or stamina?”.
“Um, no,” I replied, “I just… I just want to look good naked”.
“Hmmph” he grunted, and pointed to a stairmaster/meatgrinder/yuppie hamsterwheel device, a chrome and steel update of what was possibly a wooden Marquis de Sade original, sponsored by the Spanish Inquisition. After twenty sweaty minutes of thrashing around like an orang-utan in a tumble dryer, I fell to the floor foetal, gasping like a goldfish on hot tarmac.
I emerged 45 minutes later, my body feelingn like an East German Trabant running on linseed oil, crashing into a wall of burning televisions.
I have fired the trainer. Celibacy is my plan B.
4 comments:
Have you simply considered a gorgeous balconette bra rather than the exercise? Satin is always a good look *wink*
Another plan is the hole in the sheet idea. Pretend you cannot have body contact and keep yourself covered throughout the act. That way she can think you are an obsessive, perverted clean freak instead of seeing the man boobs. She will like you much more that way.
Mandy, that's brilliant! Am slicing up a sheet as we speak.
Just Say No To Satin, in any event. x j
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