Wednesday, 19 November 2008

Kuala Lumpur

From the Plane
At dawn the city looks like an open cast mine, rising from the sea of jungle. Halogen-lit roads flow outwards, glistening rivers of coursing, molten neon.

Dinner at the Diesel Garage
Jet lag and late supper at Suzie’s, a roadside restaurant with a cracked concrete floor, and wonky plastic tables, lit by humming beams of halogen light. The place looks dirty and unhygienic as a diesel garage forecourt, but the food is spicy and delicious.

Awake and Dreaming
In the morning, the landscape’s a saturated Polaroid of roiling green jungle, punctuated by apartment blocks perches on soaring hills, like feta chunks in green salad. The slabs of tower blocks are daubed with greying streaks of mildew. There’s an unreality to this juxtaposition, like a surreal trompe l'ouille set design from a dream.

Crows in the Traffic
The rush-hour of sluggish cars is veined with swarms of mopeds, that course through the gaps like adrenaline, bursting from the green traffic lights like buzzing flocks of startled crows. Book ended building facades look on, damp mildew stains smudged down from their windows, like streaked mascara.

Exploding Mirror Balls
Shopping malls in downtown KL are not subtle. People shoulder past like shoals of fish, through kaleidoscope halls of warm glows and squinting, shrieking neon: like a mirror ball exploding in a lava lamp shop. Ten minutes of this and your aching eyes feel like a chameleon trying to play twister under a strobe light.

Wednesday, 12 November 2008

I'm All Man, Dammit!

A friend chided me over drinks last night that my previous Beasties and Noo-noos post was the work of a big girl's blouse, a total jessie.  This stung, and I wept with impotent rage into my Guinness. Despite a paralysing  fear of pachyderms, the rest of me is all man, dammit.

I’ve decided to settle this with a scorecard, ledgering up  man and mouse qualities, on a scale of 10 down to -10. 10 equals testosterone-crazed,  hatchet-wielding Last of the Mohicans manliness, and -10 is equivalent to a lace-cuffed,  Little Lord Fauntleroy weeping over a spilt blancmange.
    .

ManMouse
  • I wrassle Parktown prawns with my bare hands (3 points)
  • I can handle a motorbike on mud or tar, and have been over 230km/hour (8 points) 
  • I fired my first shotgun at six (4 points)
  • At nine, I killed a plump, succulent cane rat with a home-made bow and arrow. (4 points)
  • Then I cooked it over a fire and ate it (10 points)
  • I read Hemingway (2 points) 
  • I completely caught fire once, and acted nonchalant (6 points)  
  • I have an incredibly high pain threshold. When my appendix burst, I thought it was just a bad curry. (9 points)
  • I won an eye-to-eye staring competition with a chav ostrich (4 points)
  • I pull fat tics off dogs with my bare hands (2 points)
  • My record at skipping stones over water is nine bounces (4 points) 
  • I use angle grinders with no goggles (4 stupidity points)    
                          • I always cry at the end of What’s Eating Gilbert Grape (-4 points)    
                          • At eight, I was menaced by a crow (-5 points)      
                          • I’m terrified of mimes (-8 points)       
                          • Lifts (elevators) unsettle me deeply (-4  points)    
                          • I do not enjoy open water (-7 points)       
                          • I hate flying (-6 points)      
                          • I will never skydive (-7 points)       
                          • I once read a Marian Keyes book (-10 points)         
                          • I am morally opposed to aubergine in all forms (-2 points)        
                          • I can’t fix stuff for shit (-4 points)       
                          • I go foetal during arguments with girlfriends (-7 points)       
                          • I panic at small children on a sugar rush, stampeding en masse (-8 points)     
                          • I quiver at lions, elephants, crocodiles etc- anything that preys on humans, seen from a range of less than 1km. (-6 points)
                                                  Total manly points: 59 Total mouse points: -74


                                                  Sigh, so I'm a jessie by over 15 points. I'm off to read sensitive poetry in a puffy lace shirt.

                                                     

                                                  Wednesday, 5 November 2008

                                                  Beasties and Noo-noos


                                                  I’m planning a writing assignment in Chobe National Park, in Botswana. I should be excited, but instead I’m terrified. Chobe is one of Africa’s great wildernesses, teeming with animals, many of which prey on humans.

                                                  Ostrich Hairy Eyeball
                                                  I’m terrified of wild beasties. The Big Five may look cute while leafing through National Geographic - but up close and personal they’re SCARY. My aversion hasn’t been helped by being snapped at by crocodiles, charged by elephants, chased (on foot) by rhino, lunged at by hippos, and been given the hairy eyeball by ostriches. If anything larger than a cane rat approaches the car I bolt like Seabiscuit.

                                                  Rhino Can-opener
                                                  Unlike many blithe tourists, I’ve seen what a rhino can do to a two-ton Landrover. I’ve also watched someone get stung by a waddling scorpion as fat as my ex’s arse.

                                                  Whiskey and Ketamine
                                                  I’m hoping the Chobe staff can supply an Abrams tank for game viewing, or a telescope so I can witness nature from the safety the bar terrace. Failing that, I plan to blot out the terror with massive amounts of Jameson whiskey and horse tranquilizers.

                                                  Miranda, Tam, any suggestions?